Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
