I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
