wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
