My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
