hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
