Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Every concussion has its silver lining
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
