I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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