i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
