hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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