the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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