i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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