the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
