Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
