dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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