new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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