I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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