Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
