I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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