I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
