I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
