I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
