god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
