Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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