On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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