Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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