used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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