so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
