i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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