dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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