You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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