I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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