I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
