You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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