mondays should just be called national damage control day
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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