No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
