Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
