So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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