So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
