i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
