Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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