I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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