there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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