ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
