Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
