that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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