Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
