My underwear smells like fireworks.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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