I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pooping to opera.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
