grandma shit on top of the toilet
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
