We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Text me some of your sweat
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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